Arousal and Attention (and sky diving!)

Today, I went sky diving.




When I watch this video I see me in a sleepy and not especially happy state. It hadn't been a good night for sleep, nor emotions. And it was so strange to enter into an activity like this with no excitement, hardly any nervousness and no real connection with the reality of what was about to happen until that plane door flew open and my dad's step-niece was shoved out. Pulling my legs around to the opening was exciting, but when we began to free-fall an unfortunate thing happened: I panicked.

All the talk I'd heard about this sport was the usual "thrill of a life time", "intense experience" sort of thing, but no one really made clear the idea that you are plummeting to the earth with nothing to grab onto, the exact scenario that would occur if you were falling to your death. I couldn't handle it. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and dissociated until the parachute was pulled.

The floating we did at that point was...pretty. But I was still shaken and also disappointed in myself. I felt like I wasted the experience or that I wasn't hardcore enough to enjoy it, despite the pride I'd gained from being a front seat of the roller coaster kind of girl.

My jump-mate actually cried this morning thinking too much about the realness of parachutes not opening, etc (she really enjoyed it none the less). Should I have forced myself to indulge in more of that kind of thinking so the shock of it wasn't so brutal? And what about the disconnecting I did while in the air? I'm very good at disconnecting, in general, because I'm so frequently and firmly dedicated to the feeling of being at peace. Maybe this dedication, and the strong distaste for anxiety that fuels it, goes too far sometimes.

I know, jumping out of a plane is fucking crazy and I shouldn't measure my appropriate arousal levels by it, but it's something to think about. I mean it's been a while; I don't even know if I like roller coasters anymore.

Still, I'm glad I did it and have the video. I think my favorite part was actually the act of being ejected from the plane...just before I realized I don't like what comes after being ejected from a plane.