Coping

I have nothing to say but wispy shit. 

And how reading over my older entries made me better understand how others can see beauty in a person while not wholly grasping the reality that the person is not ready to recognize nor employ it. 

Let me tell you, public: low self-esteem is a formidable adversary. It defies logic. It needs its own time, and you are merely another external, temporary placater if you take on the burden of healing it. Which is to say, as common wisdom now knows, confidence must come from an individual's hard work (of the introspective and behavioral nature).

Potential, no matter how impressive, is bullshit if you don't like yourself. Tell the person how great they are all day long, because they need more of that, but don't get caught up in the results. It's not your show. You can't control it.

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Regarding the aforementioned wispy shit, I have mostly lost inspiration for writing about that at the moment, which I guess is good, if not unexpected. That's the thing; I know there isn't much to it. We shared intimate times with each other and he's a genuinely good person (hello, such a turn on), but I have no deep feelings for him and I've always felt weird about that. Is he OK with that? Is that an OK thing in general, given our very intimate physical exchanges? 

And I will miss him, naturally. But I have to remember how much better I felt knowing it was over. These sorts of things have a way of taking over my whole existence...if we're not right for each other, I feel like I have to be that person (the one who molds to his personality) all the time. I can't just turn it on and off at a whim. 

Being nude reminds me of him. So that's going to be a challenge, what with showering and getting ready for bed and all.   -__-

I want to be clear: the above topic (invested in healing a loved one) has little to nothing to do with my 6'2" honey bun. I developed no codependent tendencies with regard to him, nor him to me. I didn't even want to clean his kitchen!

OK so...maybe if the moment were right and enough time had passed I'd open myself to him again, but he turned me off in so many ways...some he's aware of and some he isn't. I mean hey, he's mentally about 26 years old (his friend actually said 23, haha). 

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You know I try to create cogent themes and succinct writing in my entries. Here we have two seemingly distinct topics that might be fun to mentally juxtapose. I'm proud of myself for not employing codependent behaviors, first of all. Putting his needs before mine a bit, yes, I did do that. But I'm so much better than I used to be. 

And that's the confidence I'm talking about. When I wrote many of those former entries, I sounded wise and in control, but it was largely intellectual and not fully, emotionally realized. This is how loved ones get fooled - because you can sure as hell talk the talk, but what is being said between the lines?

You're a *~beautiful~* sweetie pie. And I can also let you go.

I wanna talk about horror movies *kicks the dirt*

Cool, I came here on an emotional whim and it has been a year and one day since I wrote my last entry.

I just spent two hours laboring over reading two emails and writing a response I won't send. Trapped in that vortex for two hours. I don't want him, ultimately. I know that. But he's a strong, intelligent written communicator and we enjoy geeking out on some of the same things. The allure of intellectual intimacy! I'm hooked onto some aspect of our connection that doesn't represent him as a whole, so I won't risk leading this man on just to relieve some temporary longing-anxiety. I shall not!

They say they're fine and that they can be friends right after the topic of romance was broached...but with all due respect, they're stupid. Or lying to me and/or themselves. So OK, the onus is on me to put up the boundary since you haven't been able to. Certainly not my favorite position to be in, but I'm trying to be realistic about how difficult that should be. Suck it up, Kelli. 

Or a more effective approach - meditate. Let the feeling go, whatever it is about it you crave clinging to. 

Jim Gaffigan is commenting on how discouraging it is to see how few calories you burn while on a treadmill. True.

The end.