He was a fine gentleman, a solid Irishman (accent and all) with an open spirit and a certain depth. I felt a kinship there. But despite our better-than-average first date conversation, I came away from the evening feeling defensive and anxious, and I knew that couldn't be good.
He is a teacher at a community college, and thus harbors that teach-y spirit that tends to drive me batty. This is what I would like: I would like to express a piece of me - specifically some light internal struggle - and just have the person express understanding. No advice, no commentary indicative of the listener judging the comment's validity or need for change, just acceptance and reciprocal conversation.
Come to think of it, he was doing it from the very beginning and I was just trying to stay positive and enjoy myself at the time. This is an emotional bias that I know is nowhere near universally true, but I like to indulge in the perception that these men who become attracted to a girl whom they also feel the desire to teach or save are compensating for something. If, right off the bat, I feel the desire to guide a man, help him reach his potential, then that is not my man. That is a lovely person who is not my equal and who is in the Friend Zone. I'm not looking to mold someone into something else, and doing so alters my feelings about our power balance.
So more of this grrrrr that was mentioned in the previous post.
I am who I am. I don't need you to help me change when I've just met you an hour ago. If I tell you I feel a certain way and we barely know each other, any arguments against what I've expressed as my internal experience, no matter how well-meaning, will not be met warmly. Do you relate to and fully accept who I am right now or don't you? I'm looking for the former, thank you.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
This Body Is a Guest House, Invite Them In
Mmmm kimchi from the jar. It punches you in the face then lingers on the tongue, a complicated and fishy coleslaw with a vinegar undercarriage.
This blog was intended to be written from an ornery, forceful place, but endorphins have rushed in to sooth my capsaicin burn, thus "producing a feeling of well-being". And it hurts so good. Ohhhh yeah.
I can still, however, report on the pleasure associated with what is typically seen as an emotionally negative neurochemical event: a reduction in serotonin. This brain chemical helps us steer clear of depressive moods, compulsive behaviors and poor sleep patterns. It also keeps anger and aggression in check.
Last Friday the brain chemical gods sent a Baltimore riff raff to break into my car and steal my book bag, which contained the pills I take to increase my serotonin levels (I have struggled with mild to moderate depression for much of my life). It took a total of five days to obtain the refill, but by the time I picked it up I was starting to feel...alive?
Having also struggled with assertiveness over the years, and having tried this prescription for about 7 months now, I can say that the reduction in angry/aggressive feelings did make me less bothered by frustrating situations, but it also led to an added lack of drive toward redressing them.
So the pleasure I spoke of comes from a keen awareness of this sensation: I'm back, and I'm angry. I'm tired of not correcting people when they've incorrectly assessed my thoughts or emotions. I'm tired of not speaking up. Of not pushing for the information I need.
All this fiery enthusiasm could be a flash in this week's pan, and my heightened joie de vivre will likely be accompanied by deeper shades of upset when things go wrong (they don't call them mood stabilizers for nothin), but right now I invite it. I have shit to do, things to be inspired by...annoyed by, enchanted by, infuriated by. The emotions I experience have always been broad in scope, and it wasn't until this week that I realized how much I miss myself.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Other Avenues
It's been a while, bloggy blog. I still think of you.
Tonight I'm pondering boundaries. As a caretaker of youth, I tend to let things (play fighting, energetic games) go further than a majority of other guardians might, but I'm fiercely observant for the signs that precede "too far". Partly, this approach serves my dislike of expending energy as a constant discipliner, but I also think there's value in letting young people feel out the edge. When I do step in, as I did tonight when a small child tried entering a play fight circle, I make the event clear to everyone and then back out again. My hope is to contribute to their becoming free-spirited, yet respectful and observant players.
These are the kinds of simple situations that I feel competent around because they involve rules that someone my age learned many years ago. When I am personally involved, however, and the rules are less clear, I have a tendency to lack boundaries...especially with kids.
Last night the 16-year-old I live with came into my room and chatted with me about zombies for a while. I listened politely and sleepily, recognizing that a young man his age might be getting more out of our conversation than a stimulating discussion of fiction. That is, my uh-oh bells were going off. Here's the thing though - I need connection right now. And even if I weren't in particular need of that, I'm still in love with the interactions I have with young people because they feel so unburdened and safe.
Tonight when his mom came home, she very tactfully, and with an edge of humor, pointed out the inappropriateness of a 28-year-old and a 16-year-old hanging out alone together in the 28-year-old's room. I felt immediately nervous and embarrassed. So that IS a bad thing.
I do well with stated rules, so it's good to have received that message, but I'm also mildly ashamed of not having been solidly, consciously aware of that idea in the moment. Emotional biases...tricky things. That's why it's good to seek external reality checks when you know your brain chemicals have hijacked you to some degree.
I am eager to make mistakes with young people and eager to learn. Tonight's play fight in the park was absolutely glorious. There is nothing like working with children.
Tonight I'm pondering boundaries. As a caretaker of youth, I tend to let things (play fighting, energetic games) go further than a majority of other guardians might, but I'm fiercely observant for the signs that precede "too far". Partly, this approach serves my dislike of expending energy as a constant discipliner, but I also think there's value in letting young people feel out the edge. When I do step in, as I did tonight when a small child tried entering a play fight circle, I make the event clear to everyone and then back out again. My hope is to contribute to their becoming free-spirited, yet respectful and observant players.
These are the kinds of simple situations that I feel competent around because they involve rules that someone my age learned many years ago. When I am personally involved, however, and the rules are less clear, I have a tendency to lack boundaries...especially with kids.
Last night the 16-year-old I live with came into my room and chatted with me about zombies for a while. I listened politely and sleepily, recognizing that a young man his age might be getting more out of our conversation than a stimulating discussion of fiction. That is, my uh-oh bells were going off. Here's the thing though - I need connection right now. And even if I weren't in particular need of that, I'm still in love with the interactions I have with young people because they feel so unburdened and safe.
Tonight when his mom came home, she very tactfully, and with an edge of humor, pointed out the inappropriateness of a 28-year-old and a 16-year-old hanging out alone together in the 28-year-old's room. I felt immediately nervous and embarrassed. So that IS a bad thing.
I do well with stated rules, so it's good to have received that message, but I'm also mildly ashamed of not having been solidly, consciously aware of that idea in the moment. Emotional biases...tricky things. That's why it's good to seek external reality checks when you know your brain chemicals have hijacked you to some degree.
I am eager to make mistakes with young people and eager to learn. Tonight's play fight in the park was absolutely glorious. There is nothing like working with children.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Exposure
This past March I visited the West Coast for the first time, San Francisco specifically, and had a wonderful time visiting friends, seeing the area and attending the 60th Annual American Counseling Association Conference. As a volunteer at the conference, I paid half price. As an educational ambassador of sorts from the University of Baltimore, I applied for a travel grant that paid for my airfare and shuttle costs. I stayed with a CouchSurfing.org host, which was free, and paid an extra $20 to bring a small cooler of meals for the week in my checked luggage (thank you, science, for your extended-freeze gel packs).
This kind of frugality has defined much of what I've done over the past several years, and I've had the honor of experiencing travel, cultural exchange and applied learning with little to no help from my family and very little income from part-time jobs.
Although these opportunities are out there, I often wonder how much my gender, my ethnicity and the fact that I'm well-spoken play a part in my ability to take advantage of them. I've come to the conclusion that being a little more well-dressed, using slightly better speech and demonstrating a visible passion is all that would be required for the things I've done, and I want young people of all types to know that. Of course, not all young people would be interested in the kinds of things I went for (farming, mission work, a retreat house, summer camps) but any new experiences involving diverse people, cultures and job requirements is invaluable to one's growth. These things are out there. You can get out of your town, you can explore values beyond what you've come to know thus far, you can learn to communicate with a variety of different people and, most importantly, you can mature emotionally. The underlying changes these experiences create will be palpable to prospective mentors and employers, and you will be more proud of yourself because of what you were able to achieve.
I believe that a lessened level of the above qualities, particularly self-esteem, is part of what keeps many people back in this world, the limiting force of perceptions exerting its influence from within and without. But this doesn't mean you have to go half-way across the world in order to grow. It means simply being open to new things and places. It means developing a confidence that says "I can survive no matter where I go, and I am me no matter who I interact with".
Although an idealist, I'm still a logical, realistic person at my core; I tend not to get behind things that don't make proper sense. So when I get into the Baltimore City Schools as a mental health professional (I hope!) I feel confident spreading the message that the cultural glass ceiling, in certain ways, is a lie. So is the idea that appearing rich now is more worthwhile for one's self-esteem than saving one's money and living well later (Gucci ain't Gucci, is what I'm saying). The problem is, much of today's youth recognize their opportunities intellectually and buy into the "achieve" messages until those sneaky meta-messages from friends, society or perhaps even parents creep into their emotional make-up and dictate their beliefs.
But the thing is...yes you can. Yes you can, yes you can.
This kind of frugality has defined much of what I've done over the past several years, and I've had the honor of experiencing travel, cultural exchange and applied learning with little to no help from my family and very little income from part-time jobs.
Although these opportunities are out there, I often wonder how much my gender, my ethnicity and the fact that I'm well-spoken play a part in my ability to take advantage of them. I've come to the conclusion that being a little more well-dressed, using slightly better speech and demonstrating a visible passion is all that would be required for the things I've done, and I want young people of all types to know that. Of course, not all young people would be interested in the kinds of things I went for (farming, mission work, a retreat house, summer camps) but any new experiences involving diverse people, cultures and job requirements is invaluable to one's growth. These things are out there. You can get out of your town, you can explore values beyond what you've come to know thus far, you can learn to communicate with a variety of different people and, most importantly, you can mature emotionally. The underlying changes these experiences create will be palpable to prospective mentors and employers, and you will be more proud of yourself because of what you were able to achieve.
I believe that a lessened level of the above qualities, particularly self-esteem, is part of what keeps many people back in this world, the limiting force of perceptions exerting its influence from within and without. But this doesn't mean you have to go half-way across the world in order to grow. It means simply being open to new things and places. It means developing a confidence that says "I can survive no matter where I go, and I am me no matter who I interact with".
Although an idealist, I'm still a logical, realistic person at my core; I tend not to get behind things that don't make proper sense. So when I get into the Baltimore City Schools as a mental health professional (I hope!) I feel confident spreading the message that the cultural glass ceiling, in certain ways, is a lie. So is the idea that appearing rich now is more worthwhile for one's self-esteem than saving one's money and living well later (Gucci ain't Gucci, is what I'm saying). The problem is, much of today's youth recognize their opportunities intellectually and buy into the "achieve" messages until those sneaky meta-messages from friends, society or perhaps even parents creep into their emotional make-up and dictate their beliefs.
But the thing is...yes you can. Yes you can, yes you can.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Love It Like You Mean It
What was it that never let you down? What filled you with connectedness and love when things elsewhere fell short? I'm thinking of people who read two to five novels each month or the fanboys who pledge everlasting love to a story line and its creators. Then there are the pet lovers of course; animals are living, breathing targets of affection and thus closer to justifiable thing-romance...but also subject to wider instances of creepy excess for that reason. And how about the tree huggers? They've got scientific backing for sustainability, widely accepted beauty and semi-aliveness on their side. I'm one of those, and I fully recognize how my emotional needs have influenced my political leanings in that regard. Nature was peace. Nature was me with my dog...and cognitive processing and no one shitting on my ideas or my character. No one ever ruined nature for me, and I thank God for that.
Often I wonder how people can pursue a love that affects other humans while being self-aware about its origins. For example, if you know that you came to love politics because talking about them was the only way you felt like you could connect with your father, then why doesn't that kind of arrest you, stop you in your tracks? Sure there must be a genuine sense of justice, or what have you, sprinkled in there but those are the kinds of emotional motives that truly drive people. As I write this I'm beginning to think it may not make sense to some...I'm not sure why knowing about a passion's origin somehow negates it for me. I guess because it makes everything we do feel selfish. It all feels like one big effort to repair ourselves in a world that keeps breaking itself and repairing itself repeatedly, while the humans inhabiting it are able to feel good about their existence because there are things to fix.
Things have gotten better though, haven't they? Women's rights, human rights, slavery, technology, child protection...so things do progress over time. And in my field, psychology, where the hell would we be without all those milestone psychologists who were driven by shit that happened to them when they were younger?
But to address my lingering doubt, what reason would be sufficient for me to feel good about going forward with a task or career? Pure, unadulterated altruism? I'm not sure there is such a thing. I have a sense that most other people don't hold themselves back because of this worry, and I wonder what wisdom they have? Ultimately, I suspect my over-focusing on this stems from fear of failure...or, similarly, impotence in the face of the community woes I'd like to heal. The same goes for this increasing "What's the point?" attitude I've been latching onto more and more as of late.
All these thoughts are the kinds that keep people from doing great things...loving wonderful people. To borrow a term from Quakerism, I expect to reach clearness on this issue some day. Particularly because it's equally...OK, more selfish to sit inside all day and not use one's gifts in an effort to help others.
Often I wonder how people can pursue a love that affects other humans while being self-aware about its origins. For example, if you know that you came to love politics because talking about them was the only way you felt like you could connect with your father, then why doesn't that kind of arrest you, stop you in your tracks? Sure there must be a genuine sense of justice, or what have you, sprinkled in there but those are the kinds of emotional motives that truly drive people. As I write this I'm beginning to think it may not make sense to some...I'm not sure why knowing about a passion's origin somehow negates it for me. I guess because it makes everything we do feel selfish. It all feels like one big effort to repair ourselves in a world that keeps breaking itself and repairing itself repeatedly, while the humans inhabiting it are able to feel good about their existence because there are things to fix.
Things have gotten better though, haven't they? Women's rights, human rights, slavery, technology, child protection...so things do progress over time. And in my field, psychology, where the hell would we be without all those milestone psychologists who were driven by shit that happened to them when they were younger?
But to address my lingering doubt, what reason would be sufficient for me to feel good about going forward with a task or career? Pure, unadulterated altruism? I'm not sure there is such a thing. I have a sense that most other people don't hold themselves back because of this worry, and I wonder what wisdom they have? Ultimately, I suspect my over-focusing on this stems from fear of failure...or, similarly, impotence in the face of the community woes I'd like to heal. The same goes for this increasing "What's the point?" attitude I've been latching onto more and more as of late.
All these thoughts are the kinds that keep people from doing great things...loving wonderful people. To borrow a term from Quakerism, I expect to reach clearness on this issue some day. Particularly because it's equally...OK, more selfish to sit inside all day and not use one's gifts in an effort to help others.
Monday, January 2, 2012
What ho, Sir Ventalot!
Things that piss me off:
-Being completely misinterpreted, spoken to harshly because of it, and then not having the calmness of mind to redress the misunderstanding in the moment.
-Couples, married or otherwise, who have bought big, beautiful houses together or spend holidays in warm cozy cabins.
-People who want to change your mind and don't realize that showing respect for where you are is the first step in that process.
-Yoga studios that cancel only their night time classes "for the holiday" when the holiday was yesterday...and don't send out an email to their patrons about special hours. I'm talking to you Bikram Yoga Baltimore.
-Myself, when I'm flighty and forget stupid things.
-Being completely misinterpreted, spoken to harshly because of it, and then not having the calmness of mind to redress the misunderstanding in the moment.
-Couples, married or otherwise, who have bought big, beautiful houses together or spend holidays in warm cozy cabins.
-People who want to change your mind and don't realize that showing respect for where you are is the first step in that process.
-Yoga studios that cancel only their night time classes "for the holiday" when the holiday was yesterday...and don't send out an email to their patrons about special hours. I'm talking to you Bikram Yoga Baltimore.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
white crystalline xanthine alkaloids and the women who love them
So often, when I find myself particularly agitated or physically/mentally down, it's because of caffeine. I've never really been a fan of the stuff, but on certain days you just need some wake-up juice...or some feel-different-than-however-I-feel-right-now juice. A friend of mine once told me, after the devastating loss of her mother, that she had created the designations of "A Sleep" and "B sleep". A-Sleep is the solid, deep kind where neurons are nourished and dreams happen. B Sleep is...well I'm sure you know it. You're stuck in the realm of alpha and beta waves all night and upset in the morning because your body tells you what should have been.
I contend that there is also "A Awake" and "B Awake", and for me, B Awake is caused by caffeine intake. Who are these people for whom a cup of coffee keeps them going unfailingly on each occasion? Two thirds of the time, I end up disconnected, mildly dizzy, pissed off or all three. And I can hear the voices now: "Then why do you keep drinking it?" Because I'm in grad school, and taking the chance that it might be a Good Caffeine Day is worth it for me. Also, as mentioned, sometimes you just want to feel...different.
Lately I've been working on not feeling embarrassed by or like I have to defend the ways I contradict myself. I want to continue complaining about how shitty caffeine makes me feel, and I also want to keep drinking it. I could see that being frustrating for friends, especially since the aforementioned sensations keep me from being pleasant and engaged in conversation. Or at least, they would if I stopped forcing myself to pretend to be pleasant and engaged so much.
Allowing oneself to go to contradictory, dark or grumpy places around new friends (or even old ones you don't get to see often) is scary business. You only get so many chances to be perceived as an enjoyable human to be around before it gets decided that, well, you're not. To an extent this isn't a neurotic approach to human interaction at all, and everyone shares and hides things to varying degrees in accordance with their personality, but it's the "why" that needs to be asked. Does it feel like a fearful hiding or a natural one?
So how about another designation: "A Engagement" and "B Engagement". How often are we present, authentic and free to be ourselves when engaging with others? And even when we're not present (a normal occurrence), do we accept that as OK? How much of this feeling "free" with others is reasonable to expect of ourselves and, for that matter, possible? In that annoying and paradoxical way reality likes to function, we can't know the answers to these questions until we do things that demand the trust we haven't quite developed yet. That's why you wake up in the morning, have your cup of coffee, feel the ambiguity, and do it anyway.
I contend that there is also "A Awake" and "B Awake", and for me, B Awake is caused by caffeine intake. Who are these people for whom a cup of coffee keeps them going unfailingly on each occasion? Two thirds of the time, I end up disconnected, mildly dizzy, pissed off or all three. And I can hear the voices now: "Then why do you keep drinking it?" Because I'm in grad school, and taking the chance that it might be a Good Caffeine Day is worth it for me. Also, as mentioned, sometimes you just want to feel...different.
Lately I've been working on not feeling embarrassed by or like I have to defend the ways I contradict myself. I want to continue complaining about how shitty caffeine makes me feel, and I also want to keep drinking it. I could see that being frustrating for friends, especially since the aforementioned sensations keep me from being pleasant and engaged in conversation. Or at least, they would if I stopped forcing myself to pretend to be pleasant and engaged so much.
Allowing oneself to go to contradictory, dark or grumpy places around new friends (or even old ones you don't get to see often) is scary business. You only get so many chances to be perceived as an enjoyable human to be around before it gets decided that, well, you're not. To an extent this isn't a neurotic approach to human interaction at all, and everyone shares and hides things to varying degrees in accordance with their personality, but it's the "why" that needs to be asked. Does it feel like a fearful hiding or a natural one?
So how about another designation: "A Engagement" and "B Engagement". How often are we present, authentic and free to be ourselves when engaging with others? And even when we're not present (a normal occurrence), do we accept that as OK? How much of this feeling "free" with others is reasonable to expect of ourselves and, for that matter, possible? In that annoying and paradoxical way reality likes to function, we can't know the answers to these questions until we do things that demand the trust we haven't quite developed yet. That's why you wake up in the morning, have your cup of coffee, feel the ambiguity, and do it anyway.
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